September.

Hello my loves,

If you haven’t guessed from the title, I am sharing with you all the things I’ve been up to over the month of September. As I sit and write this on the 23rd September (yes the day i published this post- I’m an organised little bean) I know that September needed to happen.

Throughout, this post I am sharing a lot of personal experiences, I never want to offend anyone else, but these are my experiences and I really think sharing them is important to not only ,self but to others which may be going through something similar.

Leeds.

Rather than start this post negatively, I want to share with you one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. By nature I’m not a social creature: I love spending time in my own company. Yet, since starting my new job I have been trying my best to spend more time with friends.

On the first of September a gal pal and I went to one of my favourite cities in the world, Leeds. Staying the night at Park Plaza, we laughed, drank and (she) shopped. This weekend was filled full of all my favourite things and has even inspired a few blog posts which will hopefully be coming in the not too distant future.

I really have cherished this weekend because it truly did make me so happy. And quite honestly I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in a very long time!

The Ex.

*Internally sighs.*

Over the past few weeks I’ve started becoming a little more open to dating again. Maybe it’s because of the influx of couples surrounding me or maybe it’s just because I’m ready to bring someone new into my life. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been slightly eye opening.

I’ve openly discussed my passed relationships on this blog, so I feel like it’s only appropriate for me to share with you that I let me ex back into my life. After a few weeks of speaking old feelings started to rise to the surface and I was left questioning who I was again. There is no doubt in my mind that I loved the person who left me heart broken, but I know that we simply couldn’t work. My ex wanted something a lot more casual than I ever did.

Ultimately I ended up in tears asking said ex to delete my number and not contact me again. After a good cry and a couple of glasses of wine I soon realised that I didn’t need him. I love the idea of having a boyfriend, this was simply the final thing I needed to say goodbye to that relationship.

Sorry I know I shared this n my previous post but just feel so happy about this picture

Fuck it. I am enough.

Haven’t dropped the F bomb in a while have I?

Nevertheless, September was the month I realised that no matter how long the friendship, the relationship or experience, I am enough for me- and right now that’s all that matters. For years, I’ve constantly struggled with not feeling like I’m enough for people. Both in a relationships and general day to day life, I have never felt good enough in any situation that I’ve been through.

A lot of my insecurities are based on not being enough.

  • I’m not pretty enough.
  • I’m not thin enough.
  • Im not competent enough.

The list really is endless and exhausting.

In that very moment I asked the man I was once head over heels in love with to forget I ever existed, I realised I was enough. In that single moment, I showed myself more self love than I have ever done before. Dealing with endless questions , personal judgements and quite frankly brutal thoughts about myself, made me such a sad individual. Right now, i refuse to feel inferior to any one.

And it has continued.

Of course, I am going to be insecure about certain aspects of my life but on those days, I will always find comfort in the knowledge that I’ve lived through every ‘bad day’. Essentially in a strange round about way, I can finally say that I may not be happy with every aspect of my life but right now, I am finally happy with the person I am and the way my life is going.

If you’ve managed to get through this posts without having a nap in between then snaps to you! Thank you for sticking with me, I can’t wait to share with you how the next 31 days go.

Always love,

Em x

Slut Shamers: Back off.

After falling completely head over heels for the love island hype, I’ve recently been wondering about slut shaming. Personally I can’t quite believe that in this day and age the term slut is still used at all. Women are empowered, beautiful and successful, but when it comes to sex are we still meant to blush at the word orgasm?Millennial women are constantly told not to settle, to strive for the world and never apologise for it. Yet when it comes to sex are we meant to sit and wait man or woman of our dreams to come barrelling through the bed room door?

Are we meant to settle?

It has been statistically proven that having an active sex life relieves stress and can even extend your life. And I think most of us can agree that great sex is most definitely a stress reliever.With women striving for great careers, dream homes, travelling the world. Why are we expected to settle for a poor sex life? Both men and women judge, it’s one of the down sides to being human. Neither sex is golden when it comes to judgement. And that is exactly what slut shaming is, judgment. And I’m not for it.

It’s a numbers game.

10, 20, 0? Does it really matter what happens in our own rooms as long as it’s consensual? We’ve all at one time or another been made to feel shit about our sex life, lack of or even fruitful. It’s quite shameful that both men and women play the slut shaming game. If women were to wait for their dream partner to get off fifa, stop scratching their knackers and finally attempt to figure out the female anatomy, then we may be waiting a heck of a long time.

But men have needs.

Hate to knock you off that pedestal you’re on, but so do women. In fact a woman’s clitorius is 12 inches long. Which I think most people can agree can put men to shame. Sorry not sorry.

I’m not shaming men

This post is not me shaming men, in fact it’s not even meant to shame women but over the past few weeks I have seen so many tweets, comments and everything in the middle discussing women’s sex lives. Many of which fit into the slut shaming bubble. Didn’t your mum tell you, if you didn’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all?

It’s no ones right to sex.

Believe it or not, one gender doesn’t have the right to sex over the other. Gone are the days (or AT least they should be) where there is judgement when it comes to sex and the number of sexual partners you have.

Slut shaming needs to be a thing of the past. The negative implications of shaming others for enjoying themselves can stick with someone for life. Think about what you’re saying, how you say it and even if it’s worth saying it at all.

Single-rella: Lessons I learned from my Ex.

Hey guys,

I wanted to introduce this little series. Single-rella is a way I can share with you my tales, brain farts and plans for an independent life. In the past I have learned some stonking lessons and can’t help but think that others may need a helping hand like I do. Thus single-rella was born. I’m not sure when this post will come about, but I am sure that’s some of the topics, I am going to talk about will ring home to a few of you.

PSA: I know this could be one of the worst blog titles in existence, but it’s all I’ve got so I’m running with it.

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Now, let’s get on with it.

Moving forward, the dream aye. Leaving all your issues from past relationships, well, in the past. Naughty pics, late night ‘hey stranger’ texts and those disgusting little habits we pick up when we act like we’re in a relationship without the ‘EXCLUSIVE’ banner. When the excitement of the relationship(let’s call it that) dulls and the relationship reaches it ultimate end, we tend to tell ourselves we need to get over it and quick.

As time goes one we ultimately let go of the shitty relationships we have gone through but sometimes we have to have a little peek into our past to fully value the direction were going in. You all know I love cliché; sometimes we need to look back to see how far we’ve come.

*Vomit*

Society tell us constantly, constantly we need to continuously move forward, that looking back isn’t an option. When maybe looking back and realizing the ways our lives have changed is a must. A way that means we learn from our own lessons and continue to build a life we one dreamed we could have.

Relationships are a prime example. Reverting back to relationships is something we all have and probably will do again, if we are all honest. That one ex, we loved when the world was falling down around us, that no matter how bad life was treating us- no matter how bad they were treating us, we go back too.

Psychologically, I think we hold onto something so much that the people who surrounded us at that time become a crutch. No matter the circumstances of the ending of the relationship or the relationship itself for that matter, we constantly go back.

Is it a bad thing?

Of course, to some extent it’s a bad thing, But have you ever looked at an ex and thought why was I so besotted with you? Asking that question without any hate shows that you have moved on, and although another relationship isn’t on the cards you have let go of the whole situation. And if you are asking the dear old question with hate, then you’re not over them. Sorry to be the barer of blatantly obvious news.

Do I regret my ex? Sometimes, yes. Do I regret knowing what I want from a relationship because of said ex? No.

As I sit and write this I am so proud that I can now look back with the future I am creating and know that my life has changed. And will continue to change due to the lessons I learned in that relationship.

And what did I learn you ask?

Well. HERE GOES.

  • I will never stand by and let someone I am in love with compare me to other women. I am me and they are them. If said person thinks that other women are for more dateable than I then said fella can jump on the bus back home.
  • I will never be made to feel about my size, big or small. My ex often indirectly made me feel conscious about my weight. From the start, there were often comment which in hindsight he probably didn’t realize was an issue. AND HUNS ITS A NO FROM ME!
  • Sexting is cheating. That is all.
  • Follow my gut instinct. Now, following my gut instinct should have been rule one. If something feels a little iffy then it generally is.
  • I am all for equality, women should pay for their half of everything, but when It comes to paying for everything it’s a massive fucking no, no. And the same goes if I was a male. A relationship should be equal.
  • Please, be you. No matter what happens throughout the relationship if you feel like you’ve changed or something in the relationship is damaging your mental health, LEAVE. There will be other relationships that will come into your life but there is only one you.

 

What I’ll keep with me.

Obvs, not all of my relationship was bad but the times I learned the most from definitely wasn’t great. Essentially what I’ll keep with me is I need to know who I am and what I stand for before moving into another relationship. A year has passed, my anxiety attacks have significantly diminished and I most definitely have a little more confidence than what I had this time last year. Right now, for me that’s enough.

Yet, often I tend to look back and miss the person I was, I want to tell that shell of a girl that in a years’ time, after the shit storm that’s coming your way, you’ll know a little more of who you are and what you want. Single life isn’t all that bad, it’s time to be selfish and build the life you always wanted. An independent one.

OH, and you’re so much happier for it.

It doesn’t matter if your relationship was 3 months or 30 years, sometimes you will always associate yourself with someone. Whether the relationship has ended on good or bad or even the shitty ‘mutual’(which is never fucking mutual) terms, there’s that one person we will always have that one person we go back to when we’re a little lost. On one occasion though, you’ll know that’s it, that person is no longer your person but you can move forward with life knowing the shit that you went through, or even the shit you put them through, wasn’t right.

Move forward, love, and be happy.

We all deserve it.

Always love,

Em x

 

A year on…

IMG_4394Hello you gorgeous bunch!

I’ve recently been looking back on my previous posts, not for any other reason than to make myself feel better. You see I am at an age where people are either popping out kids like there tic tacs, getting married or finding themselves travelling more than Christopher Columbus. And me? Well I’m still sat on the floor of my child hood bedroom wondering why I can’t blend my eye shadow without looking like a drag queen, #goals.

2017 was utter tripe, a week didn’t go by when there wasn’t some form of heartbreak, self punishment or bloody bill I’d forgotten about. A year filled of adulting woes and incomplete tasks- its safe to say that 2017 wasn’t my favourite year of existing. Yet, to paraphrase Kylie Jenner, 2017, was a year of realising stuff.

A year on?

One of the first blog posts I wrote on this lil site was discussing my panic attacks, how I felt and how I was dealing with them. Over the past few months I can’t shake the feeling of  disbelief. Disbelief in the fact that I no longer feel like the shell of the person I once was. And that was exactly what I was a shell. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or even why I was still trying too fake my way through life.

A year on, so much has changed or is changing, its slightly mind-boggling. Currently I am sat in my bed, with a manic hangover, drowning in diet coke with a massive sense of accomplishment. For some one who is so scared of failing, I am so bloody proud of myself.

Panic attacks

Last year I was suffering severely with panic attacks, usually having 3 a day I couldn’t live my life. I was constantly waiting for the next to come to knock me off my feet. I can say with 100% certainty that I will do everything in my power to never feel like that again.

I could go into why or how my panic attacks started but in truth I just don’t feel like that would be beneficial for any one. But I will say this, if you are struggling with panic attacks right now, or have ever, you are so much stronger than you feel. Every panic attack will end and those round you will understand that this is just for now not forever. No one should ever make you feel like you are not good enough  or not ‘normal’, because you are fighting a battle that they can’t comprehend. You are amazing.

As of right now, I haven’t had a panic attack for well over a month, and over the past few months I have had one, one singular panic attack. I do often find myself having anxiety pangs*, but the techniques I have learnt over the past year allows me to cope and deal with it my own way.

Anxiety pangs*- I often describe feeling anxious as a pang. Like an elastic bang hitting your skin, leaving a pang of pain which ultimately spreads. Unlike the elastic band hitting your skin (and the pain being limited to the area), it spreads all around your body, knocking the wind out of your sail.

IMG_4393A year single

OH NO, Em’s taking about her bloody ex again. Whilst that is some what true, I wanted to be a little more selfish. I wanted to discuss how I feel about being single, and why I want to stay single.

In the past, I have always thought I had to be in a relationship- and I was bloody naïve to say the least. Due to this feeling I put up with a lot because I thought I had too, I was settling. As the single period of my life went on I realised how naïve I had been, you shouldn’t ever settle AND you should never be compared by your partner to any one. Coming from the girl who has only just found her worth, you’re enough and no one else, partner or not, should make you feel any different.

Right this moment, I don’t want to be in a relationship. And for the first time in a significantly long time, I actually feel some what independent. Sure, I still have to ask my mum what the different washine machine cycles are but other than house hold tech issues, I’m good. This little section isn’t about man bashing, its about acknowledging the fact that sometimes, its better to be on your own enjoying your self rather than tied to mentally draining relationship. Truthfully, I don’t think I have ever been as content as what I am right now. Sure, I have a long way to go before I’m the girl boss I’ve been dreaming about since my teens, but I will certainly be getting there!

Finally finding confidence…

Hello cheese fest section of this blog, I’ve missed you!

Naturally I am the least confident person you would ever meet. Over the past year it was something I really wanted to change. New  places, new people, daunting tasks at work would all send me running out of the door. Living your life scared of everything is really difficult and you often leave yourself putting more energy into avoiding the task at hand than it would take to actually finish it.

The people around you are such a source of confidence, your friends especially. Surrounding yourself with amazing people really is something that will help you no matter what you’re going through. You don’t have to have a hundred people banging your door down after a bad day, offering wine- although that would help. Having one friend that you can text at any point of the day for a confidence boost is all you need to conquer the world.

I have the best friends that push me to do things I wouldn’t necessarily do. These friends  empower me, not just through daily life but through any break up, bad day or just general cock up- and much of that empowerment is amplified by gin, Prossecco and croissants! My confidence would still be at rock bottom if it wasn’t for my girls. And I will be forever grateful for them!

#goals

This year my only goal is to continue to make myself a more confident person, and so far so good. I am by no means going to sit and rabbit on about comfort zones and breaking out of a routine- we all know that helps. Putting yourself first, actually taking the advice of your loved ones and focusing less on others opinions of you, you will become happier and much more confient in your own skin.

And isn’t that #goals.

Always Love,

Em x

Mandards. What are they and why do we need them?

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Whilst I read another chapter of ‘Hot Mess’ by Lucy Vine. I can’t help but relate to the character of Ellie Knight. A twenty something serial dater, stuck in a lack luster job, constantly treading water until the next knock down(wonder why I empathize, aye). As the story continues another character (Jenny Ellie’s sister) mentions the standards Ellie has when it comes to men. Mandards.

Mandards definition:

A woman (or gentleman’s) ideal mate. An integral check list of both superficial and emotional stimulus which they desire in a potential mate. Usually taking the form of ‘ tall, funny, loyal ‘but is not limited to them – it could quite easily be something as cynical as having the same passion for Stars Wars.

This list is most definitely used as an aid when it comes to dating. With a new dating app being launched weekly it is only reasonable to create a list of things which desire in a significant other. Surely, we have to do this to keep our sanity when shifting through the aubergine emojis?

Mandards, are limited to the person themselves, however, if the all allusive ‘ONE’ *throws up in mouth* comes knocking at that door, then the mandards may just slip right on out of the window.

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My Mandards.

My dream man. Well if I am truly honest, I have no bloody clue. I have an inkling as to what I don’t want- it’s actually more than an inkling, but it sounds a lot nicer than ‘ I would rather put my boobs through a mincer’.

Boy bye!(Ha, I wish I was this sassy)

I won’t allow myself to be in a relationship which is detrimental to my mental health. So I suppose being supportive is kind of a must. The support I give others is something I pride myself on, so having someone that believes in me as much as I believe in others would be amazing.

Is height an issue?

I’d quite like them to be a little bit taller than I am. As superficial as it sounds, wearing my heels in public without the countdown to arguing as soon as the door closes at home. As much as I understand having your girlfriend tower over you (not really I’m 5’4 even in heels I look as towering as a rich tea), I can’t understand the flippant comments and eye rolls which have come with it in previous relationships.  And honestly it’s something I would love to leave in the past.

Know your Star wars to your Harry Potter.

I’m a big old nerd and would love nothing more than to have something to discuss how on earth Han Solo can understand Chewbacca or how the elder wand just happened to be in Dumbledore’s possession when it needed to be? Its nerdy conversations that keep the old magic flowing right ?

Needless to say, all of this would be pushed to the side, if I found someone who I could see a future with (don’t tell them), I would even put up with the odd heel argument too.

Dating is a bloody mind field.

Don’t believe Bridget Jones or Sex and the City, dating is difficult. Constantly putting yourself out there with very little interest can completely ruin your confidence. Many dates will end up with endless trips to the toilet and making the excuse that ‘ your gold fish is sick’ to escape the disaster that is yet another date.

Constantly thinking of new material to make yourself sound a little more interesting than you are, creating an illusion that you don’t spend half your life in your faded Harry Potter top and oversized pajama bottoms which fall down with every step. Forming a slightly twisted but still pretty on point ‘fantasy’ can be draining, especially if you are a serial dater.

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If you are anything like I am, dating is daunting to say the least. In fact I would go as far as to say I have had several panic attacks over dates that have never actually happened. Yup, that’s fun. Plainly put, I suck the big one when it comes to dating, purely down to the fact that I am too lazy to organize anything and too much of a control freak to trust anyone else to organize it. Oh, and I turn to jelly as soon as I see someone I remotely fancy. WINNING!

No f*ck boys allowed.

How can I put this politely?

At least one of my previously relationship was with a f*ck boy. He cheated very early in the relationship and it pretty much spiraled form there. My personal definition of an F boy to be is:

  • Someone who drains you mentally
  • A person who doesn’t value commitment.
  • And, lastly someone who compares you with other women, daily.

Unfortunately, women are just as bad as men in the respect that finding a worthwhile significant other usually involves wading out the shit to find the good. And there’s a heck of a lot of shit and not much good.

 

Every relationship, every date and if I’m going to be honest every day leads you to finding what you don’t want in life- especially when it comes to relationships. Dating is shitty, but having mandards does allow you to control what you want, control who you want to be and focus on finding a significant other which not only helps you find happiness, support and love.

 

Isn’t that the dream?

 

Do you have mandards? If so what are they ? Please let me know in the comments below.

Always love,

Em x