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The Life Switch up.

Hello you beautiful people.

I know, I know its been a while- and for that i am not in the least bit sorry. Life over the past few weeks has been quiet, with quiet came a few realisations. I realised that (and I don’t mean to boast- well maybe a little) but i finally feel like i have my shit together. Trust me, i am just as shocked as any one.

NOW, by no means do i have the answers to all the millennial issues. I am still shit with money, fat and my sex life is dryer than the Sahara desert- i’m just good with it. We are all to often caught saying

‘ you should only look back to see how far we’ve come’

But if you are anything like me, then you will only look to the positives of the past. Nights out, relationships, graduations are all things i compare my current life too. But what about the crippling anxiety, mounds of debt and self esteem lower to than my bank account. If i am to be perfectly honest, i really am bloody happy to be where i am today.

*cough* Cheesey as fuck*cough*

Photographer: Rebecca Walker.

Dieting.

Now lets start with the shit stuff. Dieting. My last blog spoke about my ‘ditching the term plus size’. Hatred for the term probably comes from the negative relationship with my body. Now, i look at dieting as a way to learn how to cook, how to prepare myself for the week ahead and even to a certain extent, how too budget. Dieting has been such an awful experience in the past. From rationing my food to living off 800 calories a day, i never wanted to be the size i am. Yet, here i am the wrong size of 25 with my huge bum and 28 E boobs (and yes, crippling back ache).

Right now i am technically dieting, Slimming world has been a way i can learn how to cook for my new veggie lifestyle. With friends and family not being the most supportive Slimming world has been a great network for recipes.

Dating.

Photographer: Rebecca Walker.

Want some juicy goss? Then go somewhere else.

As with the rest of my life, my romantic life is non-existent- and like my body, i am good with it. Friends of mine are getting married, having babies and me? Well right now, I’m sat in the same room i grew up in drinking a corona, watching an Criminal Minds.

After a few shit relationships I finally understand the importance of being alone.I have replied heavily on my exes, i needed some one to tell me i was okay- as stupid as it sounds i was to scared to live my life independently.

Romantic relationships just isn’t something i am looking for right now, but if Prince Charming wants to fall into my life with a classic Nintendo and a few bottle of beer, then I wouldn’t run away.

Striving for independence.

Independence means a lot to different people. To some it means paying your own bills, to others it means traveling alone, for me? It simply means being comfortable enough to create something that i’ve been to scared too.

A few years back i was scared of everything. My mental health health nose dived, panic attacks took hold and i had no idea what i was doing one day to the next. So for me, its time to finally be able to stand on my own two feet and leave my anxieties in the past.

And goals? You better believe I’ve got them now and right now, i am smashing them (i mean to really, I’m not the Hulk).

  • BUY MY FIRST HOME.
  • BECOME MORE COMFORTABLE WITH WHO I AM.
  • TRAVEL ALONE (even if it is only to centre parks)
Photographer: Rebecca Walker.

Organising my shit

Guys i am pretty okay with admitting that i am not Marie Kondo but i have started appreciating organising my life. Making breakfast the night before, ironing my clothes ready for the week on Sunday night and cleaning my space much more often, has made me feel so much more in control of my own life.

Like with so many things in my life, of course there is most definitely more switch up’s up to come but organising my life has impacted my life so much. I am so excited, to see how the year (and my poor attempt at organisation) goes.

Photographer: Rebecca Walker.

2019 has flown by so quickly, its basically the middle of march and I have no recollection as to what happened to February. This little update and content switch up has been something i have wanted to do for a while. I have spent so much time wasting my life with poor relationships, low self esteem and just accepting that i was always going to unhappy – right now, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I finally feel like i am working towards the things i have always been too scared too.

And i promise to share them with you when i finish them.

Always,

Em x

Time to be your own Valentine?

Valentines, Galentines, 50% chocolate specials whatever you associate with the season of love, its here. In amongst the new couples, chocolate binges and sobbing singles, Valentine’s Day can be something that takes its toll on so many. Whether you’re a loved up babe or a sassy single, Valentine’s Day should be a day we celebrate our longest relationship; the one we have with ourselves. In the words of Ru Paul, ‘ If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else’.

I challenge you this Valentine’s Day to celebrate yourself, the challenges you’ve face and the next steps of your life. Realising that you and you alone are solely responsible for all the things you have achieved and will continue to achieve. So grab a nice bottle of plonk, run a bath and leave the world at the door step. If a bubble bath isn’t for you, then its perfectly okay to rewrite the terms of your own valentines night.

Take time.

Okay, before i rant on about turning the world off i am. Fully aware that for many stepping away from the world on a week night probably isn’t an option. Parents, care givers and even people who have to work more than one job don’t get the option of having a night of. Yet their is one option you do have.

Taking your time- once the day is over with, is a luxury. Leaving deadlines at the doors, plodding along with your to do lists, without haste is rewarding. Having the ability to complete tasks without any rush allows you to relax and feel accomplished. Take your time isn’t always a bad thing, remember the tortoise and the hare?

Embrace who you are.

Everyone is different, therefore everyone’s way of relaxing is completely different. Listing to metal, watching the entirety of the Marvel universe and or even sitting in silence. Embracing your favourite things and running with them, is ultimately the most important thing in the season of love. If not, what’s the point? Go on, grab another chocolate and watch another episode of friends, make your soul happy.

Likewise embracing your love life is necessary to surging this sickening loved up month. Unlike, so many on social media, you don’t have to be in a relationship to have a great Valentine’s Day. Amongst the ‘Boys done good’, sea of pandora rings, and new relationships which will be lucky if they last the month, embracing your own relationship status really is important- especially in February.

I am sure at one time or another we have all be shamed for being single, or have been told that the partner we have in our lives just isn’t the one for us. Yet, in the long run, all that matters is that you are happy- the options of sheep shouldn’t rule you life. Embrace what you have even if others don’t agree.

Stop- even if its just for an evening.

As a generation, us millennial love to be busy. We love to complain about the overtime we’ve accrued or the latest amount of responsibility that we have had shoved on our desk. A friend once said, ‘I’m just too busy to take care of myself’, a sad honest truth we are all guilty of saying. Well, isn’t it time we all just stopped and cared for ourselves for just one night. Whether its deleting twitter for a night, or inviting the girls round to dance to all of Atomic Kittens Greatest hits. Taking one night away from the busy life we have, isn’t going to effect anything. Stepping away from distractions is the best way to care for yourself, and isn’t that the best way to be your own valentine?

Treat yourself.

If you are anything like me, then spending time and money on yourself seems to fall by the wayside. Work, bills, social interactions all take president to the pamper we all deserve, The term pamper is personal, for some its having a bubble bath, for others its the full shebang, face masks and all. For me, its a fresh set of gels, a new piercing and an hair cut.

Finding your own way of treating yourself, isn’t selfish. There will always be something you should be doing, or even a task that you could have finished to a higher standard. These trivial aspects of our lives ultimately stop many of us stop treating ourselves, and for what? Absolutely beggar all.

Whether you have a valentine or not this year, treat yourself how you would love them to treat you. Bubble bath, foot rub, a good bottle of wine- sounds amazing to me. Having one night away from the responsibilities which play on your mind not only allows you to rest, but allows for you to focus on the task when you pick it up again.

Remember Valentine’s Day is merely 24 hours, you have the rest of your life to find who you are, embrace it.

Happy V-Day.

Em x

Featured

Three 2018 realisations.

This year has been the year of,like, realising stuff- Kylie Jenner.

2018, has been a year I needed. An eye opening realisation, that the only thing holding my life back was me. And believe me it’s something I’ve rectified.

Over the years I’ve always thought I had to be some one else- that showing the real me would leave me lonely and insecure. Whilst at times I still feel those things in abundance, accepting who I am has only made me happier. With being happier my somewhat dull personality shines through, all the dorky, sarcastic and slightly flirty characteristics that once made my skin crawl sends me into hysterics. In short, 2018 is the year I finally accepted the person who I am and dropped my persona.

I’ve lost people along the way.

Towards the end of 2018, I backed away from a lot of friendships. Some I massively regret, others I’m not in the slightest bit bothered about. Losing the friends I have over the past 9 months has made me realise that friendships aren’t a two way street. Often one has feels the need to be there far more than the other. It’s unfair, but severely honest.I have always kept my friendship group small, I’m just not a ‘friends with everyone and their dogs, instantly’ kind of girl. And that’s perfectly okay.

In friendships I look for comfort. Comfort in the knowledge, that if I didn’t speak to a friend for months, if I needed them- they’d be there. Friends which bring sarcasm, prosecco and chic flicks after a break up( or just a Sunday). Being comfortable in any relationship is a big deal, and focusing on friendships which bring me nothing but comfort and sarcasm, are my best kinds of friendships.

Being selfish.

I’ve been pretty selfish over the past twelve months. And I am completely not ashamed to admit it. I’ve previously spoken about my anxiety and the struggles I have with confidence, being selfish was and still is needed.

I’ve slowly learnt to put myself first, to make my goals and happiness a priority. Waving goodbye to negative impacts, people and clothing(we’ve all got that sneaky dress hanging in our wardrobes that we will never fit back into). Over the past 9 months I feel better not only in my own skin but in the person who I am.

I may not be as confident as I would hope to be, but steps are being taken to unleash my inner Miranda priestly whilst of course embracing my Miranda heart qualities.

Accepting being alone.

For the longest time I’ve wanted to be with someone. I’d love to come home to a cuddle after an awful day at work, but unfortunately life had other plans for me. And as I write this post I Am so great fun it’s worked out that way.

Right now, I have some amazing changes coming, things that wouldn’t be a alive toe if I wear to be coupled up. As a rule I feel so empowered to continue to create a life that I want, that I deserve. I will never be the shell of a girl I once was and it wasn’t until I writing this post I realised, that no man ‘saved me’. I did, well, me, the girls and copious amount of gin.

In the next week I will be sharing some of the amazing news I’ve received recently. I can’t wait to share what is coming- 2019 is going to be the year of an empowered Em- and it’s about bloody time!

Always,

Em x

September.

Hello my loves,

If you haven’t guessed from the title, I am sharing with you all the things I’ve been up to over the month of September. As I sit and write this on the 23rd September (yes the day i published this post- I’m an organised little bean) I know that September needed to happen.

Throughout, this post I am sharing a lot of personal experiences, I never want to offend anyone else, but these are my experiences and I really think sharing them is important to not only ,self but to others which may be going through something similar.

Leeds.

Rather than start this post negatively, I want to share with you one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. By nature I’m not a social creature: I love spending time in my own company. Yet, since starting my new job I have been trying my best to spend more time with friends.

On the first of September a gal pal and I went to one of my favourite cities in the world, Leeds. Staying the night at Park Plaza, we laughed, drank and (she) shopped. This weekend was filled full of all my favourite things and has even inspired a few blog posts which will hopefully be coming in the not too distant future.

I really have cherished this weekend because it truly did make me so happy. And quite honestly I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in a very long time!

The Ex.

*Internally sighs.*

Over the past few weeks I’ve started becoming a little more open to dating again. Maybe it’s because of the influx of couples surrounding me or maybe it’s just because I’m ready to bring someone new into my life. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been slightly eye opening.

I’ve openly discussed my passed relationships on this blog, so I feel like it’s only appropriate for me to share with you that I let me ex back into my life. After a few weeks of speaking old feelings started to rise to the surface and I was left questioning who I was again. There is no doubt in my mind that I loved the person who left me heart broken, but I know that we simply couldn’t work. My ex wanted something a lot more casual than I ever did.

Ultimately I ended up in tears asking said ex to delete my number and not contact me again. After a good cry and a couple of glasses of wine I soon realised that I didn’t need him. I love the idea of having a boyfriend, this was simply the final thing I needed to say goodbye to that relationship.

Sorry I know I shared this n my previous post but just feel so happy about this picture

Fuck it. I am enough.

Haven’t dropped the F bomb in a while have I?

Nevertheless, September was the month I realised that no matter how long the friendship, the relationship or experience, I am enough for me- and right now that’s all that matters. For years, I’ve constantly struggled with not feeling like I’m enough for people. Both in a relationships and general day to day life, I have never felt good enough in any situation that I’ve been through.

A lot of my insecurities are based on not being enough.

  • I’m not pretty enough.
  • I’m not thin enough.
  • Im not competent enough.

The list really is endless and exhausting.

In that very moment I asked the man I was once head over heels in love with to forget I ever existed, I realised I was enough. In that single moment, I showed myself more self love than I have ever done before. Dealing with endless questions , personal judgements and quite frankly brutal thoughts about myself, made me such a sad individual. Right now, i refuse to feel inferior to any one.

And it has continued.

Of course, I am going to be insecure about certain aspects of my life but on those days, I will always find comfort in the knowledge that I’ve lived through every ‘bad day’. Essentially in a strange round about way, I can finally say that I may not be happy with every aspect of my life but right now, I am finally happy with the person I am and the way my life is going.

If you’ve managed to get through this posts without having a nap in between then snaps to you! Thank you for sticking with me, I can’t wait to share with you how the next 31 days go.

Always love,

Em x

Being my own security.

When I think about the last few years, I don’t think of anything other than feeling anxious. This feeling doesn’t just cover losing my grandparents, or suffering with panic attacks, it was something dealt with daily. If I’m entirely honest I don’t know what life’s like without this feeling.Feeling anxious has been with me on every life change, I have ever attempted and been there if I ever gave up, too. It’s only been recently that I’ve realised that this feeling in my chest can be used to spur me on rather than hold me back.

Anxious not anxiety.

Before I continue to write this post I just wanted to clarify this post is discussing the feeling of being ‘anxious’ not anxiety. Anxiety is a form of mental illness that we have no ability to control, it slowly takes over your life until you don’t know who you are. I can speak from personal experience that anxiety doesn’t play fair. Being ‘Anxious’, is the feeling in your tummy when you are about to do something out of your comfort zone. Once the task is over the feeling sub-dudes, with anxiety that is certainly not the case. For more information on anxiety please see the Mind website.

The original dream…

When I was a young un’, I thought my life was planned out for me. I thought I’d be happy- I had my plan, so I was good to go and start my adult life,right? If I’m honest, I held on my to my plan until I reached my early twenties, then when it became brutally apparent that my plan needed to be rethought, I struggled to let it go.

  • I’d go to uni and graduate with a first. Okay, i did go to uni and I did graduate but not with a first. I got a 2:1 through a lot of work, tears and trips to the spar for cherry coke. I look back at that time in my life and honestly, I was a complete mess. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be, if I am entirely honest I don’t know if university was worth it.
  • Find my dream job in a high end fashion house. Safe to say this didn’t even remotely happen. And I’m glad, I don’t think I would be happy or ,as much as it pains me to say , fit in at a fashion house. To this day I still adore fashion, I love seeing reworked trends, pieces being influenced by great artists but would I want to work in such a demanding environment? Probably not.
  • Be married and own my own home by 25- Excuse me whilst I fall on the floor laughing.*And BREATH*.
  • Evidentially my younger self didn’t understand work, or saving or how much living costs. Scrapping this plan is so bloody nerve wracking but the changes I am making(and even already started) are very much needed.
  • Ma new plan.

  • It may not come as a surprise to some of you that the majority of this plan revolves around security. My life has always been chaotic, I’ve never really known what feeling secure at home is. Over the next few months I am so excited to finally see the changes I want to make start and hopefully in the not too distant future, actually be completed.
  • ‘The only person who is going to give you security and the life you want is you’ -Hello October (Suzie Bonaldi), Motivational Monday’s, instagram.

  • Here goes…
    • Save, save, save. Right now I’m skint, my savings have all but disappeared and honestly I’m not quite sure I’ll make it to pay day without a number of break downs. I hate this feeling of uncertainty when it comes to money. Knowing I can comfortably pay my bills if I lost my job really does mean a lot to me. So, saving is a huge must for me
      I want to own my own homealone. I doubt everything I do, so feeling secure in my own home, which I saved for and bought on my own, is a huge deal for me. Even the goal itself came as a huge realisation. I don’t want to continue to live at home relying on my parents and paying the bare minimum. It’s time for your girl to find her own way in life.
      Continue to believe in myself. Since i had a glimmer of hope (starting my new job), I have started to believe in myself. A statement I never thought possible. I’d love to push myself further and feel better about how I live from day to day. I’d love to shut the doubting voice inside my head up once and for all, but if not I’d just like to turn the volume down a little.
      Be happy. I really do just want to be happy. Obviously there will be times in everyone’s lives where being happy 24/7 isn’t possible. And that’s okay. I would love to find happiness in most days, even just for a few moments. Moments such as the first coffee in the morning, giggles with the girls or even just a snuggle from my pooch.

    What security means to me.

    Security- a thing deposited or pledged as a guarantee of the fulfilment of an undertaking or the repayment of a loan, to be forfeited in case of default.- Oxford dictionary.

    Security means completely different things to different people. Personally, security means to be able to stand on my own two feet, to work for the things I want in life and not apologise for them. To be comfortable in my own skin and to know I don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea. Essentially, I want to be able to live my life without the feeling of anxiousness limit the things I do and want to do in the future.

    From now on.

    The next steps have kind of been prepped to within an inch of excels life. I’ve started a savings spreadsheets, budgeted for the month and really homed in on the things I need and the things I don’t. In terms of confidence, I have pushed myself to speak to new people and say yes to more experiences. Here’s, to being my own security, I can’t wait to share the next few months with you.

    Slut Shamers: Back off.

    After falling completely head over heels for the love island hype, I’ve recently been wondering about slut shaming. Personally I can’t quite believe that in this day and age the term slut is still used at all. Women are empowered, beautiful and successful, but when it comes to sex are we still meant to blush at the word orgasm?Millennial women are constantly told not to settle, to strive for the world and never apologise for it. Yet when it comes to sex are we meant to sit and wait man or woman of our dreams to come barrelling through the bed room door?

    Are we meant to settle?

    It has been statistically proven that having an active sex life relieves stress and can even extend your life. And I think most of us can agree that great sex is most definitely a stress reliever.With women striving for great careers, dream homes, travelling the world. Why are we expected to settle for a poor sex life? Both men and women judge, it’s one of the down sides to being human. Neither sex is golden when it comes to judgement. And that is exactly what slut shaming is, judgment. And I’m not for it.

    It’s a numbers game.

    10, 20, 0? Does it really matter what happens in our own rooms as long as it’s consensual? We’ve all at one time or another been made to feel shit about our sex life, lack of or even fruitful. It’s quite shameful that both men and women play the slut shaming game. If women were to wait for their dream partner to get off fifa, stop scratching their knackers and finally attempt to figure out the female anatomy, then we may be waiting a heck of a long time.

    But men have needs.

    Hate to knock you off that pedestal you’re on, but so do women. In fact a woman’s clitorius is 12 inches long. Which I think most people can agree can put men to shame. Sorry not sorry.

    I’m not shaming men

    This post is not me shaming men, in fact it’s not even meant to shame women but over the past few weeks I have seen so many tweets, comments and everything in the middle discussing women’s sex lives. Many of which fit into the slut shaming bubble. Didn’t your mum tell you, if you didn’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all?

    It’s no ones right to sex.

    Believe it or not, one gender doesn’t have the right to sex over the other. Gone are the days (or AT least they should be) where there is judgement when it comes to sex and the number of sexual partners you have.

    Slut shaming needs to be a thing of the past. The negative implications of shaming others for enjoying themselves can stick with someone for life. Think about what you’re saying, how you say it and even if it’s worth saying it at all.