September.

Hello my loves,

If you haven’t guessed from the title, I am sharing with you all the things I’ve been up to over the month of September. As I sit and write this on the 23rd September (yes the day i published this post- I’m an organised little bean) I know that September needed to happen.

Throughout, this post I am sharing a lot of personal experiences, I never want to offend anyone else, but these are my experiences and I really think sharing them is important to not only ,self but to others which may be going through something similar.

Leeds.

Rather than start this post negatively, I want to share with you one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. By nature I’m not a social creature: I love spending time in my own company. Yet, since starting my new job I have been trying my best to spend more time with friends.

On the first of September a gal pal and I went to one of my favourite cities in the world, Leeds. Staying the night at Park Plaza, we laughed, drank and (she) shopped. This weekend was filled full of all my favourite things and has even inspired a few blog posts which will hopefully be coming in the not too distant future.

I really have cherished this weekend because it truly did make me so happy. And quite honestly I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in a very long time!

The Ex.

*Internally sighs.*

Over the past few weeks I’ve started becoming a little more open to dating again. Maybe it’s because of the influx of couples surrounding me or maybe it’s just because I’m ready to bring someone new into my life. Whatever the reason, the past few weeks have been slightly eye opening.

I’ve openly discussed my passed relationships on this blog, so I feel like it’s only appropriate for me to share with you that I let me ex back into my life. After a few weeks of speaking old feelings started to rise to the surface and I was left questioning who I was again. There is no doubt in my mind that I loved the person who left me heart broken, but I know that we simply couldn’t work. My ex wanted something a lot more casual than I ever did.

Ultimately I ended up in tears asking said ex to delete my number and not contact me again. After a good cry and a couple of glasses of wine I soon realised that I didn’t need him. I love the idea of having a boyfriend, this was simply the final thing I needed to say goodbye to that relationship.

Sorry I know I shared this n my previous post but just feel so happy about this picture

Fuck it. I am enough.

Haven’t dropped the F bomb in a while have I?

Nevertheless, September was the month I realised that no matter how long the friendship, the relationship or experience, I am enough for me- and right now that’s all that matters. For years, I’ve constantly struggled with not feeling like I’m enough for people. Both in a relationships and general day to day life, I have never felt good enough in any situation that I’ve been through.

A lot of my insecurities are based on not being enough.

  • I’m not pretty enough.
  • I’m not thin enough.
  • Im not competent enough.

The list really is endless and exhausting.

In that very moment I asked the man I was once head over heels in love with to forget I ever existed, I realised I was enough. In that single moment, I showed myself more self love than I have ever done before. Dealing with endless questions , personal judgements and quite frankly brutal thoughts about myself, made me such a sad individual. Right now, i refuse to feel inferior to any one.

And it has continued.

Of course, I am going to be insecure about certain aspects of my life but on those days, I will always find comfort in the knowledge that I’ve lived through every ‘bad day’. Essentially in a strange round about way, I can finally say that I may not be happy with every aspect of my life but right now, I am finally happy with the person I am and the way my life is going.

If you’ve managed to get through this posts without having a nap in between then snaps to you! Thank you for sticking with me, I can’t wait to share with you how the next 31 days go.

Always love,

Em x

Being my own security.

When I think about the last few years, I don’t think of anything other than feeling anxious. This feeling doesn’t just cover losing my grandparents, or suffering with panic attacks, it was something dealt with daily. If I’m entirely honest I don’t know what life’s like without this feeling.Feeling anxious has been with me on every life change, I have ever attempted and been there if I ever gave up, too. It’s only been recently that I’ve realised that this feeling in my chest can be used to spur me on rather than hold me back.

Anxious not anxiety.

Before I continue to write this post I just wanted to clarify this post is discussing the feeling of being ‘anxious’ not anxiety. Anxiety is a form of mental illness that we have no ability to control, it slowly takes over your life until you don’t know who you are. I can speak from personal experience that anxiety doesn’t play fair. Being ‘Anxious’, is the feeling in your tummy when you are about to do something out of your comfort zone. Once the task is over the feeling sub-dudes, with anxiety that is certainly not the case. For more information on anxiety please see the Mind website.

The original dream…

When I was a young un’, I thought my life was planned out for me. I thought I’d be happy- I had my plan, so I was good to go and start my adult life,right? If I’m honest, I held on my to my plan until I reached my early twenties, then when it became brutally apparent that my plan needed to be rethought, I struggled to let it go.

  • I’d go to uni and graduate with a first. Okay, i did go to uni and I did graduate but not with a first. I got a 2:1 through a lot of work, tears and trips to the spar for cherry coke. I look back at that time in my life and honestly, I was a complete mess. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be, if I am entirely honest I don’t know if university was worth it.
  • Find my dream job in a high end fashion house. Safe to say this didn’t even remotely happen. And I’m glad, I don’t think I would be happy or ,as much as it pains me to say , fit in at a fashion house. To this day I still adore fashion, I love seeing reworked trends, pieces being influenced by great artists but would I want to work in such a demanding environment? Probably not.
  • Be married and own my own home by 25- Excuse me whilst I fall on the floor laughing.*And BREATH*.
  • Evidentially my younger self didn’t understand work, or saving or how much living costs. Scrapping this plan is so bloody nerve wracking but the changes I am making(and even already started) are very much needed.
  • Ma new plan.

  • It may not come as a surprise to some of you that the majority of this plan revolves around security. My life has always been chaotic, I’ve never really known what feeling secure at home is. Over the next few months I am so excited to finally see the changes I want to make start and hopefully in the not too distant future, actually be completed.
  • ‘The only person who is going to give you security and the life you want is you’ -Hello October (Suzie Bonaldi), Motivational Monday’s, instagram.

  • Here goes…
    • Save, save, save. Right now I’m skint, my savings have all but disappeared and honestly I’m not quite sure I’ll make it to pay day without a number of break downs. I hate this feeling of uncertainty when it comes to money. Knowing I can comfortably pay my bills if I lost my job really does mean a lot to me. So, saving is a huge must for me
      I want to own my own homealone. I doubt everything I do, so feeling secure in my own home, which I saved for and bought on my own, is a huge deal for me. Even the goal itself came as a huge realisation. I don’t want to continue to live at home relying on my parents and paying the bare minimum. It’s time for your girl to find her own way in life.
      Continue to believe in myself. Since i had a glimmer of hope (starting my new job), I have started to believe in myself. A statement I never thought possible. I’d love to push myself further and feel better about how I live from day to day. I’d love to shut the doubting voice inside my head up once and for all, but if not I’d just like to turn the volume down a little.
      Be happy. I really do just want to be happy. Obviously there will be times in everyone’s lives where being happy 24/7 isn’t possible. And that’s okay. I would love to find happiness in most days, even just for a few moments. Moments such as the first coffee in the morning, giggles with the girls or even just a snuggle from my pooch.

    What security means to me.

    Security- a thing deposited or pledged as a guarantee of the fulfilment of an undertaking or the repayment of a loan, to be forfeited in case of default.- Oxford dictionary.

    Security means completely different things to different people. Personally, security means to be able to stand on my own two feet, to work for the things I want in life and not apologise for them. To be comfortable in my own skin and to know I don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea. Essentially, I want to be able to live my life without the feeling of anxiousness limit the things I do and want to do in the future.

    From now on.

    The next steps have kind of been prepped to within an inch of excels life. I’ve started a savings spreadsheets, budgeted for the month and really homed in on the things I need and the things I don’t. In terms of confidence, I have pushed myself to speak to new people and say yes to more experiences. Here’s, to being my own security, I can’t wait to share the next few months with you.

    Slut Shamers: Back off.

    After falling completely head over heels for the love island hype, I’ve recently been wondering about slut shaming. Personally I can’t quite believe that in this day and age the term slut is still used at all. Women are empowered, beautiful and successful, but when it comes to sex are we still meant to blush at the word orgasm?Millennial women are constantly told not to settle, to strive for the world and never apologise for it. Yet when it comes to sex are we meant to sit and wait man or woman of our dreams to come barrelling through the bed room door?

    Are we meant to settle?

    It has been statistically proven that having an active sex life relieves stress and can even extend your life. And I think most of us can agree that great sex is most definitely a stress reliever.With women striving for great careers, dream homes, travelling the world. Why are we expected to settle for a poor sex life? Both men and women judge, it’s one of the down sides to being human. Neither sex is golden when it comes to judgement. And that is exactly what slut shaming is, judgment. And I’m not for it.

    It’s a numbers game.

    10, 20, 0? Does it really matter what happens in our own rooms as long as it’s consensual? We’ve all at one time or another been made to feel shit about our sex life, lack of or even fruitful. It’s quite shameful that both men and women play the slut shaming game. If women were to wait for their dream partner to get off fifa, stop scratching their knackers and finally attempt to figure out the female anatomy, then we may be waiting a heck of a long time.

    But men have needs.

    Hate to knock you off that pedestal you’re on, but so do women. In fact a woman’s clitorius is 12 inches long. Which I think most people can agree can put men to shame. Sorry not sorry.

    I’m not shaming men

    This post is not me shaming men, in fact it’s not even meant to shame women but over the past few weeks I have seen so many tweets, comments and everything in the middle discussing women’s sex lives. Many of which fit into the slut shaming bubble. Didn’t your mum tell you, if you didn’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all?

    It’s no ones right to sex.

    Believe it or not, one gender doesn’t have the right to sex over the other. Gone are the days (or AT least they should be) where there is judgement when it comes to sex and the number of sexual partners you have.

    Slut shaming needs to be a thing of the past. The negative implications of shaming others for enjoying themselves can stick with someone for life. Think about what you’re saying, how you say it and even if it’s worth saying it at all.