Why Am I Holding Myself Back?

F7DA3C81-7F32-44C5-880E-F3F04F864F43Hey you lovely bunch,

I know things have been a little pants around here, I thought I would share something that’s been holding me back for a little while. I hope you enjoy.

 

Ever get the feeling something’s holding you back? Well, I know all too well what’s holding me back. And it wont be a surprise to those of you that know me, or even those of you who have read a few of my blog posts. I am the thing holding myself back. Me.

No one else.

I have wanted to write a post like this for a while but I never quite found a way that didn’t make me sounds like I was crying into my coffee. You see although I’m about to air something that scares the shit out of me to admit, I’m not sad about it. Nor do I feel some sort of epic way, which motivates me to change my life. This post is simply the truth: a way I can look back at the end of the year and say ‘well, I proved myself wrong again, didn’t I’.

Now, lets grab a brew and discuss what the heck is wrong with me (jokes, nothings wrong with me, I know).

IMG_4800Lets Cash it Out?

This sounds so cliché to sit and write down, but money is such an issue. Whilst I was at uni I got myself into a lot of Debt. Debt which I can now proudly say has been paid off well most of it, the other bit I’m still working on. I am by no means in a lot of debt, but I am by no means financially stable either. I focus a lot of time-saving money, nothing really seems to stick and I end up just as skint as I was before.

Throughout my life I have never known what ‘real’ poverty looks like, so this little whine about money is something that many will think is ungrateful. Trust me, I am grateful, truly I am BUT sometimes when writing a blog post you find yourself being honest with yourself and right now it’s the time for me. I am fucking shit, when it comes to money. Logically I should have more savings than I do. Logically I shouldn’t need that ‘nice’ bottle of wine each weekend. But you can bet that each week I trundle on down to my local Sainsbury’s and pick up a bottle of my favorite white.

Gluten for punishment?

Embracing Single Life?

‘Just enjoy single life, only answering to yourself and as odd as it sounds… be selfish’.- Lucy Freeman*

Now, this topic is a weird one for me. Right now in my life I don’t want to be in a ‘romantic’ relationship. For years I relied on so many people, to my detriment and I’ve never learned the simple things which most 25 year olds take for granted. Cooking (seriously, if I ever offer to cook give me the dominos menu), cleaning and even flat pack furniture are things that I struggle with. My relationships were no different.

I relied on my ex-partners so much it became a need. I needed to have their approval for menial things others take for granted because I was so unsure of myself. I am not proud of it, to be honest as I write this I am down right ashamed.

Right now, I’m single and very slowly learning some form of independence. I can cook a few meals, my bills are always paid on time and to some I may even be a semi reasonable adult. This last year has taught me a lot but nothing more so than the fact I don’t need anyone to push me to do things, big or small, if I need or want to them I should. Everything is a learning curve.

Focus

Hello, I’m Em and I’m a day dreamer.

Not only am I a day dreamer but I am a top procrastinator. If there is a series I need to watch, I will. Sock draw that needs a dusting, I’m there. Deadline? Nah, I’ll leave it until 15 minutes before its due and cry about it. I am nowhere near proud of this but some how I’ve always managed to scrape by in the midst of mania.

If you haven’t noticed, recently, I’ve been a little pants on the ol’ blog front. It’s not because my passion has dwindled or I feel any more inadequate as I already do. It’s because I can procrastinate for days before knuckling down and finishing something. Honestly, I know exactly what you are thinking, I infuriate myself.

Blogging is the one thing in my life that I haven’t given up. I love it, I may not be great, I may not have the best views but this little space is my own and honestly at times, penning a post is the only thing that makes me truly happy. **Vomit** So all my procrastination is just making me unhappy.

 

Self-Belief?

Considering I promised to be entirely honest through out this blog, I am going to admit what is really holding me back in life, I don’t believe in myself.  I just don’t believe that I should be fortunate enough for anything better than I am right now. I am nothing special, I’m perfectly fine with it. Why do I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, if things are fine?

Because there not.

I have a new logo designed, a theme picked out and a name which I love. Have I done it? No. Will I ever? I honestly don’t know. I want to believe I can get up in the morning and do what I love to do, but I don’t think i’ll ever quite be good enough to contribute to magazine, or earn enough blogging to quit my office job.

What I will say I this. Everything I have ever done from Driving to Uni, I have smashed every expectation I have ever had of myself. Every doubt which I have listened too has been proven wrong. Yes, this blog could be the self doubt talking or it could be that I have had enough; it could be that I am about to grab my life by the bollocks and run with it.

Dazed and Confused? Me too.

That little bit of confusion, constantly goes around my head daily. A constant battle of ‘am I good enough?’ or is my ‘Instagram to boring for me to do this’? Not believing in yourself is exhausting, you put more time and effort into telling yourself you can’t do something rather than just doing it in the first place.

Believing in myself, or not in this case, is the reason why my life is currently at a stand still. I’m holding myself back and the frustrating thing about it all is tha have no clue as to why. Please put those violin’s down. This post isn’t something I want pity for, in fact quite the opposite. This post is to give me a kick up the back side because lord knows I need one.

Always love,

Em x

 

*Lucy Freeman is honestly one of the best things that has come out of my blogging experience. Silly conversations, a mutual appreciation for Bread and geographical knowledge of teaspoons, our friendship is something I hold very dear.

If you want, an awesome to the point beauty blog (with a bit of mummy life thrown in, then please go check out lucylovesbeautyxoxo.com *

4 thoughts on “Why Am I Holding Myself Back?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s