A year on…

IMG_4394Hello you gorgeous bunch!

I’ve recently been looking back on my previous posts, not for any other reason than to make myself feel better. You see I am at an age where people are either popping out kids like there tic tacs, getting married or finding themselves travelling more than Christopher Columbus. And me? Well I’m still sat on the floor of my child hood bedroom wondering why I can’t blend my eye shadow without looking like a drag queen, #goals.

2017 was utter tripe, a week didn’t go by when there wasn’t some form of heartbreak, self punishment or bloody bill I’d forgotten about. A year filled of adulting woes and incomplete tasks- its safe to say that 2017 wasn’t my favourite year of existing. Yet, to paraphrase Kylie Jenner, 2017, was a year of realising stuff.

A year on?

One of the first blog posts I wrote on this lil site was discussing my panic attacks, how I felt and how I was dealing with them. Over the past few months I can’t shake the feeling of  disbelief. Disbelief in the fact that I no longer feel like the shell of the person I once was. And that was exactly what I was a shell. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or even why I was still trying too fake my way through life.

A year on, so much has changed or is changing, its slightly mind-boggling. Currently I am sat in my bed, with a manic hangover, drowning in diet coke with a massive sense of accomplishment. For some one who is so scared of failing, I am so bloody proud of myself.

Panic attacks

Last year I was suffering severely with panic attacks, usually having 3 a day I couldn’t live my life. I was constantly waiting for the next to come to knock me off my feet. I can say with 100% certainty that I will do everything in my power to never feel like that again.

I could go into why or how my panic attacks started but in truth I just don’t feel like that would be beneficial for any one. But I will say this, if you are struggling with panic attacks right now, or have ever, you are so much stronger than you feel. Every panic attack will end and those round you will understand that this is just for now not forever. No one should ever make you feel like you are not good enough  or not ‘normal’, because you are fighting a battle that they can’t comprehend. You are amazing.

As of right now, I haven’t had a panic attack for well over a month, and over the past few months I have had one, one singular panic attack. I do often find myself having anxiety pangs*, but the techniques I have learnt over the past year allows me to cope and deal with it my own way.

Anxiety pangs*- I often describe feeling anxious as a pang. Like an elastic bang hitting your skin, leaving a pang of pain which ultimately spreads. Unlike the elastic band hitting your skin (and the pain being limited to the area), it spreads all around your body, knocking the wind out of your sail.

IMG_4393A year single

OH NO, Em’s taking about her bloody ex again. Whilst that is some what true, I wanted to be a little more selfish. I wanted to discuss how I feel about being single, and why I want to stay single.

In the past, I have always thought I had to be in a relationship- and I was bloody naïve to say the least. Due to this feeling I put up with a lot because I thought I had too, I was settling. As the single period of my life went on I realised how naïve I had been, you shouldn’t ever settle AND you should never be compared by your partner to any one. Coming from the girl who has only just found her worth, you’re enough and no one else, partner or not, should make you feel any different.

Right this moment, I don’t want to be in a relationship. And for the first time in a significantly long time, I actually feel some what independent. Sure, I still have to ask my mum what the different washine machine cycles are but other than house hold tech issues, I’m good. This little section isn’t about man bashing, its about acknowledging the fact that sometimes, its better to be on your own enjoying your self rather than tied to mentally draining relationship. Truthfully, I don’t think I have ever been as content as what I am right now. Sure, I have a long way to go before I’m the girl boss I’ve been dreaming about since my teens, but I will certainly be getting there!

Finally finding confidence…

Hello cheese fest section of this blog, I’ve missed you!

Naturally I am the least confident person you would ever meet. Over the past year it was something I really wanted to change. New  places, new people, daunting tasks at work would all send me running out of the door. Living your life scared of everything is really difficult and you often leave yourself putting more energy into avoiding the task at hand than it would take to actually finish it.

The people around you are such a source of confidence, your friends especially. Surrounding yourself with amazing people really is something that will help you no matter what you’re going through. You don’t have to have a hundred people banging your door down after a bad day, offering wine- although that would help. Having one friend that you can text at any point of the day for a confidence boost is all you need to conquer the world.

I have the best friends that push me to do things I wouldn’t necessarily do. These friends  empower me, not just through daily life but through any break up, bad day or just general cock up- and much of that empowerment is amplified by gin, Prossecco and croissants! My confidence would still be at rock bottom if it wasn’t for my girls. And I will be forever grateful for them!

#goals

This year my only goal is to continue to make myself a more confident person, and so far so good. I am by no means going to sit and rabbit on about comfort zones and breaking out of a routine- we all know that helps. Putting yourself first, actually taking the advice of your loved ones and focusing less on others opinions of you, you will become happier and much more confient in your own skin.

And isn’t that #goals.

Always Love,

Em x

3 thoughts on “A year on…

  1. It must be incredible that you are now able to deal with your panic attacks much better, well done you!! You’re right, we are all each definitely enough on our own too. Good luck with the confidence, it sounds like you’ve been moving on with this so much, it can be difficult sometimes but pushing yourself is a good thing, or at least I try to think anyway. I’m quite shy underneath! Xxx

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