A few weeks ago I decided to take an online character test and the results were eerily accurate. The test itself, determined I was in fact a mediator(really sorry I can’t find the test I did anywhere but there are plenty when you search on google).
A mediator is defined as: a person who attempts to make people involved in a conflict come to an agreement; a go-between. Oxford dictionairy. 17.
Well, I can’t argue with the blinkin’ oxford dictionary.
In short, I am a bloody people pleaser– and honestly, I don’t know how I feel about it. Wanting to be liked is human nature, isn’t it? Speaking to new people, introducing new cultures to your life and genuinely knowing that you aid the life of another is fulfilling. As fulfilling as it sounds there is a significant amount of faffing that comes with it. I like being around people but when it comes to those that drain my emotions and give nothing to my life I tend to cut them out- albeit may take some time to register that they do indeed make me feel like an empty Duracell bunny.
People pleasing as an idea does concern me, more so does the apparent need for a mediator to be used as a go between, which will ultimately lead into an entire realignment with the original relationships. Of course, I want to be liked but I am not willing to be a filler in, a note taker and passer on or in fact a ‘go-between’ if it is indeed going to make me feel like a poor attempt of royal mail!
Alas with every bit of hatred I have for the word and the description of it (when I think about it) I am one. I hate confrontation and would indeed be happy to play a ‘go-between’ if I didn’t have to choose a side. Often I find myself the middle man when it comes to family arguments or even just flippant conversations between friends. It is most definitely my character, if I am honest I have known this for a while. I know I am not the only one which would dodge bullets from either side of an argument, tiff or sometimes even a fling(wahey), if it meant no body would hate me.
(well wasn’t that a good ol’ ramble)
Being a mediator may be my character, but I am fast becoming tired of losing myself in the drama of people pleasing. All too often I find myself taking on others problems as if they were my own. The feeling of drowning in others situations (along with my own) is a feeling I know all too well- and wouldn’t wish on anyone. For that reason alone, I have decided that I need to put myself first- EVEN if it is only for one night a week and here is how I plan on doing so.
Taking time away when I need to.
Finally realizing you need to take a break from any situation is a difficult. Rejuvenating from a stressful time usually means, taking a breather. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t allow that little voice to tell you, you should be doing more. And, for the love of Bacardi, do not allow others to tell you that you are worthless for not doing ‘more’.
Giving myself a break
‘This needs to be done’. ‘Why aren’t you getting better?’.’Why the f*ck aren’t you more organized?’. I constantly argue with myself over tedious things, many of which don’t matter. Things don’t have to be done right away. Yes, there should be a limit to organization but as a person who feels the need to pressurize herself constantly (with everything I do) – I think it’s time to just stop.
From here on out…
I vow that at least one night a week I will run myself a bath, watch RuPaul’s drag race and eat a shit load of pasta- or something to that effect.
Taking on some one else’s problems is bloody well-draining so, if I am a sponge to drama I need to be able to wring out every now and again(what a poor analogy). Shutting out the world for one night a week will really make no difference to anyone; and if it does, then you have to ask yourself if they are really worth your time, that they are so upset they can’t text you for the half the hour your away from your phone(unless of extreme circumstances).
I and so many others, struggle with saying no. When in actual fact it isn’t selfish or belittling. You haven’t become a cold hearted monster only Voldermort would love. You simply know your limits and are protecting yourself. A strange concept to people, like me, who hate the thought of someone not liking them.
The thought that makes any mediator paranoid for weeks after meeting someone is the first impression. Even though you have met them since(the initial meeting) and far too many plans with them. Mediators often worry that any one is only their friend because they feel sorry for them and saying ‘no’ will ultimately terminate the friendship all together.
In reality, it is probably not the case(and if it is then they can quite frankly buggar off you don’t need them in your life anyway). The likely hood is you may have come across awkward, but if you have plans or even speak a few days later you did a perfectly fine job! As much as first impressions are important, they aren’t worth sweating over a week later at 4am, just cause your brain wont switch off.
I am fully aware that I have gone on a tangent, but these three issues are things I ‘discuss’ with myself no matter the situation. Over the past few months I have found myself talking on more of others dramas, than I have my own. Sometimes being a mediator is f*cking draining. We all know better, we all know we should put ourselves first and help others after- but for people like me, it almost feels like we have lost a biscuit to a cup of tea without any way of retrieving it.